Some useful tips

1. Learn to blame your hegemonic ambitions on a paranoid national security establishment accountable to no one. That way, you are never responsible for them, but can covertly support them whenever necessary.
2. Further to 1. to ensure that you never have an accountable national security establishment, make sure to discredit any elected government that ever has the misfortune of ruling you. Some useful ways to do this are invoking a) corruption, b) nepotism c) feudalism d) religious conservatism.
3. Style yourself as an “awakening” or “maturing” “middle” class. The advantage of this is that you immediately get a free pass from a)b)c)d) in 2. above. Now you are free to go on Zaid Hamid’s show and say whatever you want.
4. Support the indiscriminate bombing of dirty lower class Pakistanis as punishment for their tribal support of a twisted ideology that has nothing to do with “your Islam”. But when you are accused of justifying extremism by outsiders, e.g. bigoted NYT journalists with sinister agendas, express extreme outrage.
5. Understand that you have a monopoly when it comes to representing not only all legitimate Pakistani interests, but also all legitimate Afghan interests. That means that you should condemn US imperialism over Afghanistan at every step. It doesn’t matter that you are not an Afghan and that your country is currently trying to take over Afghanistan (as it has for the last 25 years). That’s not imperialism, that is just destiny.
6. Read Ayaz Amir’s archives in Dawn.
7. If all these points are too difficult to remember, just remember one thing: every argument you make should be to exonerate your class from any blame for anything.


6 responses to “Some useful tips

  1. Mr.Tambourine Man

    hahaha Brilliant!

    P.S Loved No.1 And 6.

  2. Contract out your religion to a bunch of illiterate people because you don’t want to be bothered with understanding it yourself. And also because you think religious thought and jurisprudence instruction is best left to the same ‘experts’.

  3. This was actually hilarious. 🙂

  4. Tilsim

    Brilliant! They should teach this in the National Curriculum, oh sorry, they already do.

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